Feeling A Mix of Emotions

Today – Sunday, November 26th, 2023 is the 30th anniversary of my and hubby’s wedding. It should be a happy day. Yet I spent the majority of it in tears. I miss my man so much! He was my soulmate, my best friend.

Our Wedding Day

We were supposed to grow older together. We were supposed to travel together, play with the dogs together.

I should be happy we had 28 years together. And I am. I’m grateful for the years we did have. But I’m also sad and angry that we didn’t get to have more. I’m sad and angry that the dementia stole him from himself and from me. I try to recall that last greeting, that last “I love you” and it eludes me, which saddens me even more. I thank God that at least Sam transitioned peacefully from this world to the one where he was given his wings and made whole again. Yet some days I yell and scream at God for cursing Sam with the dementia. It’s called grieving. And it feels like the pits of hell some days. Other days, like yesterday, I’m fine during the day; but as it gets closer to bedtime, the pups’ adolescent behaviors push me to the very limit of my patience. Then, once they settle down I do too. And everything is right in our little world again. I say good night to them, and to their angel sisters and brothers. And I tell Sam “I love you, and I miss you so much. Good night my love.”

I originally started this blog after Callie passed away in 2015. Then Shadow left us, too; and I started posting here more than in my original blog. Now, eight years later, it feels only right that I should include Sam in my group of angels waiting for me at the Rainbow Bridge because I know he’s right there playing with them.

Writing this post has been somewhat cathartic for me. I’ve only been on this widow’s journey for a little over a year. I have these two adolescent dogs to love and raise without my hubby’s help. But I know he’s looking down at me saying “you can do it. You’ve got this!” And then he blows stardust down at the pups and me so we know we’re loved. ❤️

HAPPY 30th ANNIVERSARY SAM!!! I LOVE YOU NOW AND ALWAYS!!!

30 thoughts on “Feeling A Mix of Emotions”

  1. Jan K says:

    I can only imagine how tough this is, but I’ve seen both of my sisters go through it, so have a good idea. I’m glad you have the Z kids to take care of you, and so many angels to watch over you. Big hugs. ♥

    Liked by 1 person

    • My Golden Life says:

      Thanks, my friend. I think of you and your sisters a lot, wondering how they’re getting through this nightmare called widowhood. For me it’s pretty much – like I said – a mixed bag. Missing the real Sam but relieved that “Dex” and his demons are gone. Relieved for Sam that he was finally granted the peace he deserved; and relieved for Zen and me. I wish Zen could have known the real Sam like Ducky, Bogie, and the others did. Bogie didn’t know him as well as the others; but poor Zen got such fleeting glimpses that he really didn’t know him at all. And he was too young to know. Thankfully, he seems to have forgotten about “Dex” and isn’t wary of the demons any more. Now he’s my calm, happy boy…a lot like Radar was with Sam. 💙💚

      Liked by 1 person

      • Jan K says:

        I imagine those mixed emotions and ups and downs are all part of the grieving process. My sisters are both doing well….my oldest sister, who lost her husband a few years ago now, is getting married again next spring! It’s nice that Zen has grown into his name! 🙂 ♥

        Liked by 1 person

  2. Tails Around the Ranch says:

    Sending you gentle thoughts of comfort, Sue. Recently I learned that that grief is really just love that’s undeliverable. All that unspent love gathers up in the corners of your eyes, that lump in your throat, and in that hollow part of your chest. It’s realizing that grief is love with no place to go. May the passage of time provide you with peace as you recall special times and memories. Hugs and tail wags. ❤️‍🩹

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Dalton,Benji aka Meezer’s Mews & Terrieristical Woofs says:

    Such a hard thing to be in that place. I haven’t lost my spouse, just parents and far too many dear relatives. Everytime their birthday comes around those days become bittersweet…esp my own, since that was also my mother’s.

    Hubby lost his brother at age 69, and now Thanksgiving will be strange, since his BD was always on or near then.

    I see far too many families struggle with their dear ones having dementia, it is a horrible disease. I robs them of their loved ones even if they are still alive…

    Sending you big hugs at this time. May God bless you.

    🥰 ❤️ 🥰

    Liked by 1 person

  5. fruitcrmble says:

    Happy anniversary to you both. I’m sorry you aren’t together physically but you are in your hearts (or so i believe). That is never going to not be the case when there is such a deep true bond such as w/ a beloved regardless of if they have 2 or 4 legs. Dementia is a terrible disease, and it takes a toll on both those who have it and their families/friends. Grief is hard and there is no time frame for it – a year is not long. Please give yourself the time and care you need for the challenging task. Hugs to you all.

    jacquie

    Liked by 1 person

  7. derrycats says:

    Grief is a difficult journey. I’m glad you have the pups as companions along the way, even if they make you crazy at times!

    Liked by 1 person

    • My Golden Life says:

      Thank you! I’m glad too! I often forget what a “wild child” Ducky was when she was Zoey’s age. And how Callie and Shadow tried to calm her down. 🙄🤷‍♀️💞

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